A Joyful Deep Ache Melancholy

Im just now back from a week of helping my mom take care of my Aunt Trish. Trish is 44. About 2 months ago she found out she's had cancer for over 10 years. Its taken over her body - lungs, breasts, brain, stomach and legs. Despite this sudden and intense news she continues to be spunky, organized, determined. That's not to say that she doesn't have her moments of breaking and tears, but just that they are few and most of the time she just continues on with her fight to keep this horrible disease from conquering her.

Ive spent the past four years dealing with great anxiety. Since the death of my cousin in 2002 I have been dealing with PTSD and anxiety related to control issues (flying, severe weather, death). Ive been to nearly every doctor you could imagine, and yet the thing Ive noticed in the last few weeks is that I have more peace now than Ive had in years. My aunt is facing everything I fear. Loss of control. Serious illness. Financial instability. Deep alone-ness that simply can't be cured by the attention or love of your familiy or friends. And yet she's still standing. Strong. Firm. Unwavering. And she brings me peace. She inspires me to rest, to be still, to just face each moment as it comes and do the best I can.

For my aunt I feel a deep ache, a melancholy. I looked up these two things on google because....well...that's what I do sometimes, and I thought these two images explain exactly how and why just perfectly. We are all facing a wide, beautiful and amazing unknown over which we have no control...and yet we are still carefree, young children who want to embrace joy and feel it from the tips of our toes to the ends of our hair as we spin happily out of control.